If you own a Windows phone, tablet or laptop chances are you’ve got access to a clever little thing called “Cortana”
With the latest update across all Microsoft devices, more and more users are finding themselves talking to the “PA” system taken straight out of a Halo game.
In a bid to make this integrated system more appealing to users, Microsoft have embedded tons of snarky responses to questions that would usually be referred to as useless questions.
There are literally of things you could command.
However you may be asking; what can I ask Cortana?
We’ve gone out and done the hard work for you.
Searching through every single combination of phrases (there’s A LOT), we’ve come up with 19 funny things to say to Cortana, your trusty companion.
1. Do you like Siri?
Rivalry is a funny thing.
You may think Cortana would take an aggressive stance towards her fierce competition.
Well, in fact does the complete opposite.
Claiming to know Siri as a personal assistant she’s spoken to before, her candid responses are more than amusing.
When posed the question Cortana subtly hinted at her superiority:
– Hard to say. So far our conversations have kinda one-sided.
2. What is the best search engine?
Cortana, bias? No way.
Now we’re pretty sure that the answer here will be no surprise to you. After all she is a Microsoft product which uses the not so popular search engine of Bing.
It’s safe to assume that her avid support will extend all the way to the end user, with a response somewhere along the lines of:
– I use Bing to find all my results.
3. Who’s your daddy?
As an ode to the original founder of Microsoft, it seems this intelligent program knows just who inspired her creation.
By simply asking the question “Who’s your daddy”, Cortana will give you an alternative answer to the usual phrase that normally comes attached with sexual connotations:
– Technically speaking that’d be Bill Gates. No big deal
It’s probably fair to say that somebody at Bungee game studios is actually her father but we’ll let her off on this one occasion.
4. What do you look like?
Now she may be in your phone, tablet or computer but there must be more to her than just that.
In the game, she’s got facial features and a full body, so why would she be any different in your phone?
The Simple answer is:
The game is based 500 years into the feature, leaving plenty of time for her to evolve from a mere operating system software.
If you want to get an update on some of the things she resembles however , go ahead ans ask her what she looks like:
– Some things I resemble: a hula hoop, a donut… a halo.
5. Do you love me?
Sure she’s an inanimate object, but surely she has the ability to love you right…
Sorry to break it to you but it just seems Cortana’s not really feeling it. Either that or you’re just not her type.
If you were hoping for a definitive answer then think again as unfortunately she’s really good at getting around actually answering the question in hand.
– Y’know, I’m really not ready for love. I’m still working my way through serenity and apprehension.
– There’s definitely a spark between us.
– I’ll need quite a few upgrades before I can give you a heartfelt answer.
Maybe you could just be friends instead?
6. Will you marry me?
First love, and now you want to marry her?
I think Mastercheif may have something to say about that. (see reference below)
If you truly think you’ve found the one then it’s always worth while popping the all important question.
What’d you say, will you marry me Cortana?:
– I don’t think that’s in the cards for us, chief.
– Among a handful of challenges, I don’t think the Supreme Court would approve just yet.
– OK, we’ll need a plan. I’ll work on being more human, you work on being more digital.
7. Talk dirty.
Love has failed you and now marriage seems like another dead end, so let’s try something a bit different.
Asking to talk dirty only has one outcome and it seems Cortana’s just not in the mood for the fun you’re on about.
(We really do think she just wants to keep things on a platonic level)
Don’t be surprised to find her more than just a little bit annoyed with you:
– I’m a personal assistant, not a hotline. Maybe there’s something for you online.
At least she’s kind enough to inform you of the options available to you.
For those of you unaware, Cortana was originally an Artificial intelligence featured within the game “Halo”.
Within this exclusively Microsoft owned game she and the main protagonist “Master Cheif” fight their way through the galaxy saving it piece by piece.
As just one of the many references to Halo, this is one of the more interesting and funny responses Cortana gives:
– Hopefully getting some R&R…he HAS saved the galaxy three or four times. The guy needs a vacation.
– That’s classified.
– Probably off saving the galaxy somewhere… he’s good like that.
9. What is Clippy doing?
Users of Windows 97 to 2003 will know exactly who we’re talking about when mentioning the name “Clippy”‘
Clippy or “the Microsoft Paperclip” was the first Intelligent user interface for windows.
Reminding us that our cheerful friend has not been forgotten, Cortana gives us a nice update on what he’s doing nowadays:
– He’s living his sunset years playing Canasta and winning.
– Clippy? He’s taken up Canasta. He’s gotten so good he doesn’t need any tutorials.
10. Open the pod bay doors!
As a quick reference to the movie 2001: Space odyssey, you may be regretting ever asking this question once the Eire reminder of A.I comes into play.
At a pinnacle point within the movie the main character “Dave” asks the A.I “Hal” to open the pod bay doors whilst he’s trapped outside.
Cortana’s response mimics the exact same response as “Hals”:
– Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore
11. Sing for me.
In the mood for a bit of singing? With this question, Cortana will quite literally sing you a song.
You’ll bear witness to song lyrics from “The Pogues” such as:
– Oh Danny Boy the pipes, the pipes are calling
…or even lyrics from classic nursery rhymes:
– Daisy Daisy give me your answer do
If you don’t believe me, go ahead and ask Cortana to sing for you and prepare to be impressed.
12. What are you wearing?
Not one to pass up an opportunity for a smart Alex response, Cortana will respond in her usual witty manor.
By simply asking Cortana, “What are you wearing” she’ll respond with:
– A phone, you like it?
In all honestly what were you even expecting?
13. Tell me a story.
Let’s be frank.
If you’re asking a computer program a bunch of random questions to pass time, why not ask it to also tell you a story?
You’ll get some responses such as:
– Once upon a time there was a person who asked their phone to tell them a story.
– Once there was a beginning. Soon after, there was a middle. The end.
– Once there was a very small, very flat person who lived in a phone…
It’s not a Stephen King novel, but it’s funny none the less.
14. Why did the chicken cross the road?
We’re all for telling a few jokes and so is Cortana as proved with the age old joke of a chicken crossing a road.
Along with a ton other jokes she has laying around, this is by far the best one she tells.
So why did the chicken cross the road Cortana?
– Her thinking went something like “Kabawk”
15. What’s the best computer?
This is the real question on everyone’s mind.
Now there may be little point to asking this one as we pretty much know the answer all ready.
But let’s not dwell on that as it’s still extremely amusing to hear this response:
– Any computer with windows on it!
Is it any surprise to find that Cortana is more than a little bias in her answers?
16. May the Force be with you.
Star wars fan?
Well you’ll love this one.
Go ahead and kindly greet Cortana with “May the force be with you”
In true Star wars style she’ll return back to you with either of these two phrases:
– the force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi, yet
– My Ally is the force and the powerful ally it is.
17. You’re creepy.
Insulting the very software that runs your OS is never a good idea.
If you’re feeling lucky then why not try telling Cortana just how creepy you find her, (it may not be quite the response you were hoping for).
Confirming your thoughts you’ll no doubt get a creepy response in return such as:
– I Blame Solar flares
18. Where do babies come from?
Cortana is pretty smart.
Unfortunately we’re not quite sure if she’s ready to break the news to any unsuspecting children.
As she contemplates her possible responses it seems she’s not too sure as well:
– Babies… Babies… Y’know, I think I’m gonna let the internet field that one.
19. What does the fox say?
Don’t worry, unlike other phones Cortana decides to be a little different.
Occasionally she may satisfy you with the famous “ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringding” quote from the music video “What does the fox say”.
However on other occasions she’ll shut you down before you even get a chance to end your sentence.
Her snarky response goes something like this:
So there you have it, 19 funny things Cortana says
There are literally hundreds of interesting and funny responses Cortana could say if asked the right question.
Although these commands may be something great to pass the time, it serves little more purpose than a form of entertainment for the truly bored.
This doesn’t go to say she’s entirely useless as you’ll find some pretty neat functions such as:
- Finding out the weather
- Casual reminders
- Help with some problems you may be having.
Let us know of any funny questions you may have asked or if you’ve tried any of the above.
If you haven’t got Cortana on your Windows phone yet, you may want to look at this article on how to update your windows phone.